Wednesday, August 29, 2018

A Thousand Questions and Gorgeous Peaches

I feel like I'm constantly redefining my role as a mother.
When all of my children were at home, I felt relatively confident in what I was doing.
We played together, I taught them to share and love and be kind and we had consistent Gospel lessons.
Looking back, it all seems so simple.
I'm sure one day I'll look on this stage of life I'm in and think to myself, "It was so simple!"
But right now it doesn't seem that way.

Constant questions swirl through my head, and I honestly feel like I have no idea what I am doing.
"How do I decide which friends to let my kids play with when I don't know them or their parents?"
"How many chores should I expect my kids to do? I want them to learn to work hard, but they come home from school where they only have 1 recess (and half the time it's cancelled) and I feel like they need some solid time to just PLAY."
"Which extra-curricular activities should I allow when they are all taking my kids out of our home even more?"
"Should I homeschool my kids?"
"Should I give my kids more freedom or crack down harder on rules?"
"Should we have more kids? We love the dynamics of very large families, but I hate the mother I become when I am pregnant, sick, and emotionally out of whack."
"How do I do my part to keep my kids safe without being a helicopter parent? Where is the balance?"
"Are we too strict with our media standards? Too lax?"

These and endless other questions circle through my mind all day long.
And every time my kids ask me something like, "Can I go see if _______ can play?"
or "Can I join this club?"
I feel a little bit paralyzed.
I am grateful we have the guidance of the Spirit, but I feel like often there is no clear direction.

I guess there's really no point in writing this but to let the Internet world know that I am clueless as I try to navigate this tricky thing called motherhood.
I love it so, so much, and it is because of that love that I feel the weight of it so profoundly.

In other news, peaches are gorgeous.
I'm so grateful for the orchard near our home that made it possible for me to can bushels of peaches again this year.
Somehow, canning peaches always feels like coming home.

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