Wednesday, April 26, 2017

In Hindsight

(Summer, 2012)

Things are so much easier in hindsight, aren't they?

Tonight I re-read a journal entry from January of 2012.
I had a 2-year-old and a 2 1/2 month old,
Sam was incredibly busy with graduate school and was in the bishopric,
and I spent so much time alone with the kids.
Sam would come home late at night and leave again early in the morning.
Somehow the weekends were even busier than the weekdays.
It was hard not to become discouraged at times, as you can tell from my entry:

I was also feeling kind of bad as I discussed the difficulties of living here with Sam briefly tonight. A few minutes later, I was feeding Wesley and putting him to sleep and I started singing, “I Will Follow God's Plan.” I was very touched by the words, “My choice was to come to this lovely home on Earth, and seek for God's Light to direct me from birth. I will follow God's plan for me, holding fast to His word and His love. I will work. And I will pray. I will always walk in His way. And I will be happy on Earth. And in my home above.” The Lord reminded me through a sweet, simple Primary song that it is my decision to be happy. I can't let my surroundings determine the life I live. We felt guided to come here, and I feel strongly that Sam needs to be in graduate school. So even though it means a lot of loneliness on my part, I need to have faith in the Lord and in His plan for us. I need to trust that this will make me a better person and that we will come out of this difficult stage of life stronger and more unified than we were when we entered into it. It is our job to seek inspiration as to how we can make that happen.

Within just a few months of that journal entry,
things seemed to get so much easier.
I settled into my role as a mother of multiple children and learned to love where we lived.
It's so much easier to appreciate growing experiences in hindsight,
but I can honestly say that Sam and I came out of those years stronger and more unified.
I am so thankful for the past 8 1/2 years that have, in many ways, set the course for the rest of our lives.
We've grown a lot and learned a lot.
I find myself feeling more peace about my mothering
and yet simultaneously realizing that I can do so little of my own accord.
Trusting in God to support me in mothering has paradoxically brought both confidence and humility.
Isn't life such a wondrous ride?

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